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Spark




Maybe I’m also a transformer, that needs the allspark.













So I am Roast @ The Commons, waiting for my American Pancakes and Açaí to be served. The waitress sat me down at the table opposite where we sat the last time. Now here I am looking at that empty table, typing away as it now seems like a habit to be pouring out my heart on the last day of every overseas trip.

I already knew what I want to blog about today. As a matter of fact I already wrote the post, it’s saved on my notes yesterday during transit from Chatuchuk. So here it is copy & pasting it:

Because when you left, you left taking away the spark in me.

Without the spark, I’m not me. 
That spark is what makes me me, that spark that will make me shine in life, in work etc. And I haven’t been me for a while already. Finding 101 ways to be constantly traveling to give myself the excuse of “finding myself”. Making 1092829 mistakes at work and getting “long emails” every damn day or twice a day. Without that spark, I hardly even make jokes and keep the people around me entertain which is how the office used to be. That was part of my “branding” and even that is lost today. Without a POV, the brand will die sooner or later, I can feel it coming. (Talking like a true marketer heh)

I need the spark back.

I need to slowly rebuild it.

This Bangkok solo travel is timely. (Or is that part of an excuse again.) Although most of the places have shadows of you, but I’m glad I’m making new memories on top of it. My thoughts are even louder when I’m alone, it forces you to hear yourself even when you don’t. Maybe this is also why everything I’ve been trying to “hide” in the past 1 month is resurfacing again. I have so much time to think even when I don’t want to. 

As I’m typing this on my phone’s note on the taxi ride, it’s the second ride now on the trip that I find myself tearing. For the past 1 mth I have been trying to sweep everything away, but I guess the only way forward is to face it heads on. I know every crying just means I’m one tear away of getting better and better. 

The spark is near.




Travelog


Spain 2018


Barcelona



Refresh













Feels good to be free again, so good.
Is it too late to want it (for work) again? I’m a bit worried. 

Anyway, I think I have dedicated way too many posts for someone that doesn’t deserve it at all. It’s time that to shine light on some very important and genuine people in my life. Thinking back, I couldn’t have made it alive without them in those darkest time. DX who spent endless amount of time with me, of course we do meet up almost weekend regardless, but she really knows how to keep me occupied so I will stop thinking of unnecessary things. And then, of course all the overseas trip. It wasn’t planned with the intention, but just thankful for the travel buddy. 

There is also Tuan in Vietnam, who is always there to pick up my skype call at any time of the day. I think he’s the one that seen me cried most through the screen, cos almost every time the video call get picked up, it will just revealed my big puffy face with tears rolling down the cheeks. And always telling me the harsh truth, but he also know it’s just kind reminders cos I knew it deep down too. 

I cannot forget to mention Celine and Shivam. To been through all this shit with me from day 1 and yet patiently been around and making my everyday more bearable and laughable. I think I own you all an apology as well. I don’t think you guys ever gonna read this, and I probably won’t have the guts to tell you all face to face ever, but I’m sorry I kinda let you all down. For the many times I complaint to you all yet neglect the advice given to me. For the only warning you gave me for the trip is to not make out with him, and I promised I won’t, but I let you all down. I saw that look on your faces when you all found us on the dance floor, I saw the look when I woke up in the van. I’m sorry.    

There is a bunch of “unsung heros”. A more distant friend that just got reconnected recently, with brotherly advice since uni, he also checks up upon me day after day to make sure I’m ok. And just willing to listen and tolerating all my crappy thoughts of those moments. A childhood bff, who also texted me every other day, sending me uplifting songs and motivational articles. 

Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. Because of this, I actually got closer with friends that got distant and knowing who are the ones that really matter in my life. I’m really grateful for them. 

From here onwards, I want to be nicer to myself and even nicer to them. 







Ola




Last night in Barcelona, 2am with 75% tipsy, I went for a walk alone when Dixin is bathing. I wanted to write the post by the plaza but I couldn’t find it lol, maybe I’m more than 75% tipsy. 

This trip is fruitful I must say. It’s not jam packed with activities, mainly cos it’s my third time here in Barcelona. But that also means, I have enough time to be quiet, to think and to reflect. 

In Mallorca, we spent one day chilling by one of the prettiest beach I have been in. On hindsight, I realised while looking at this beautiful scenery, you’re not the person that came in mind that I want to share it with. At that moment, I know I’ve moved on. And I’m definitely not those girls that will still wish their ex on their birthday. When I moved on, you’re considered nobody to me. Less than even a stranger. 

In Barcelona, Picasso Museum, standing in front of the art pieces, I suddenly remembered my ex. The handsomemost ex. (Friends asked me what happened to that French standard, it should have just got better from there.) He taught/told me how he look at art pieces in the Lourve Museum, standing in front of art pieces for hours, looking at the strokes of paint, the layers of colors, trying to understand how the artist did it. Today, I find myself looking at those details in the Picasso Museum. I guess indeed everyone enter your life for a reason. Every ex must have taught me something. 

In Barcelona, I fall in love with Picasso this time. I love how funky, cute, colorful his art is. Looking at his early painting, how in his arts where the women were serving, waiting and depending on men. I realised I don’t want to be that kind of woman. If it’s not worth it, let’s not waste time. Again, it confirmed my realization in Mallorca. I’ve moved on. 

In the bar, playing all the same music that was also playing 4 years ago during my exchange in Netherlands. I realised, I was a free soul then. I have the same strong emotions, I cried hard, I laughed hard. But I never stopped for anyone. That was me. What happened. That’s me. 

Nett nett (lol), this trip is fruitful because I finally have some time to breathe and think, for myself. On what I want, on what I feel, on what I’ve learnt. People do come into your life for various reasons, I’ve learnt my lesson on how I can do better (not on how things could have been better, note the difference of focusing on myself). I can’t guarantee I won’t make the same mistakes (knowing from my past records), but I do see now what I blinded by before. I want to stop playing victim, I never does that when I was younger and why did I start this time. I’m so done with the 2018 Xinyi. 2014 Xinyi or any other year Xinyi could have done better. It’s really time to start a new chapter.

2018, I learnt that somethings are better left unknown. Feelings can be strong but don’t mean that they need to be expressed everyone. 2018, I learnt that it’s good to know what I am feeling, but it is also important to do reality checkz 2018, I reconfirmed that my instinct is always right and I should trust them more. 2018, I learnt that some people are just asshole, everything can be told from the first reaction. If nothing is said, no concern is showed in time of crisis (such as last week in Shanghai), that’s most probably the real feeling. Whatever happened to make you show a bit of concern, those are just made up of. 

2019, I wish to write more, think more, live more.

It’s like 2 months early for new year resolution, but I think I’m ready for a brand new start. 

So good riddance, I’ve moved on. 




Lagged


I hope its different by the time you see this...


Balinese



Any beach place for recommendation please?


Weekend



What is your ideal weekend?


Black



Did you notice my hair is back to black?



Saturday


A Saturday free, finally.

Flower



I got my hair covered in flowers